Marta Chronicles: Episode 1-- "Here I come to save the GAY" (In the Mighty Mouse Voice)

Anyone one that knows me can testify to my unmatched ability to find bargains in the most inconceivable and somewhat expensive boutiques and "regular stores". And if there is no human being present to provide a suitable tale of my fabulous purchases under 100 bucks then my newest find, a slim fit, high 3-button trench coat with black and white hounds-tooth lining, originally priced at 300 smackeroos but stolen from the fashion gods for a mere 69, should do the trick. Now that's a sexy situation!!!

At the Lenox Station platform, I became antsy about all the looks I could create with my new jamee. There was absolutely no seating so I was forced to lean against a concrete pillar. (I just could not fathom trying to astro-project and basque in the land of orgasmic purchases[my closet] all the while standing straight up in full consciousness.) As I descended from the last cloud-step and bid farewell to Andre (that's my mystical fashion midget) I was fortunate to catch the tailend of a seemingly fulfilling conversation between my fellow MARTA riders: A flamboyant gay man and a well dressed middle aged woman.......

Woman: I can't wait to get back home on get back on my Serta. I love her!! (chuckles) I am not a morning person by any means.

Gay: Giiiirrrllllll!!!!! I am the utter and complete vice verse honey! I have to be in the bed by 10 o'clock cuz I can't stay up all night. But I will morning you DOWN!!


At the conclusion of the convo, me and those who were within earshot, homed in on and were forced to deal with the arrangement of words/apparent colloquialisms which in all their glory falls under the pink and lavender, patent leather umbrella of the GAY LINGO!!! Now had this been two women engaged in this convo then the word choice may have blown over more easily however, with the given characters a feeling of helpless exposure and forced knowledge of the unknown took over me. (Feeling= When you walk in on your older brother watching a porn with his friends and in order to prevent you from snitching they let you watch. However, in the following days you must still act as though you know nothing thing of 'hot passionate relations' while in the company of adults who may try to cover your ears when the topic comes up.) For some strange reason like human nature, sheer noziness or the fact that it was void of homosexual-sexual allusions, I yearned for more of this comical language. Like a telepathical genie or some ish, Mr. Gay delivers..........

Gay: I don't LIVE for the nightlife in Atlanta because it will suck you in and never let you out. I have seen it happen to damn near all my friends. Call me boring or wack or LATE or what-have-you but I won't be subdued.

Just when I thought I had English 101 down-packed, here comes Titania, Queen of the Fairies (Shakespeare), to floor my scholarship and beat it to death with a five-inch pump. Rather than be disgusted by his blatant identification with femininity, I chose to take a scholarly approach in my analysis of his use of rhetoric. He could have simply stated that he "doesn't like to go out and party" or " call me old fashioned" but what type of dudish, lackluster sentence would that have been. Rather than hold a pointless and mundane conversation removed from onomatopoeias, lively adverbs and memorable adjectives, our little "happy" friend decided to spice up his convo for the enjoyment of conversers and eavesdroppers alike.

As a student of the English language, I am now forced to fine tune my writing skills; not because some random guy on the train wha-za-za-zooped my tuition-paying ass in 5 sentences but because he made me realize that if you take the smallest aspects of your craft for granted and neglect mastery of said aspects, they could very well be the key to your demise and/or undoing once you have climbed the ladder of "apparent success".

-P. E. Williams